Warning~ Children's birthday parties ahead!

You attended the parenting classes, read all the books and think that you have heard it all about raising your bundle of joy, well think again. This advice will not be found in any book or parenting class. It is the ‘b’ word that no parent will talk to you honestly about. No, it is not bibs, bottles or breastfeeding. It is…birthdays.
In your parenting lifetime you will spend thousands of dollars on these things, from birthday parties you are throwing to ones you are forced to be going. Invitations arrive looking so cute and harmless with colorful balloons or a cuddly critter adorning it, but do not be fooled; harmless they are not.
Receiving such initially obligates you to go to the store and spend a mind-boggling amount of time trying to pick out a ‘unique gift’ for a child that will receive a multitude on this day and probably barely give yours a second glance.
Warning: bringing the birthday attendee with you to the store causes the cost of shopping for the gift to double, for it is felt that the attendee must already have or obtain the same gift.
Then there is your time obligation. For years, upon years the parties are not just for the youngsters. You, as the responsible parent, are obligated to attend as well and manage your sugar-infested-maniac that was a calm normal child prior to arrival. Then if you are (un)lucky the party is held at some festive place like a roller skating rink or a bowling alley which thus requires 120% supervision as hordes of small children are either throwing around 20+ lb weapons or are smashing into each other and everything else while attempting to learn to ambulate with wheels.
Warning: the best time for your munchkin to learn these new techniques is not necessarily when infused with soda, cake and candy and surrounded by a gaggle of children all in the same predicament.
Next comes the day of the actual festivities. Be it your party, or others, often you are faced with the piñata crisis. There is no actual means to avoid this, for initially it seems like a lovely idea, (as lovely as an idea can be of a bunch of kids swinging around a bat (weapon) while blindfolded to be rewarded with more, and then more, candy) that is until the piñata breaks. Then the child instinct kicks in which is ‘hoard or hurt’.
Warning: this is defined as attempting to obtain every last morsel of candy, despite the fact that they may not like that candy at all or have vats of it at home, and then try to injure every other child that is trying to do likewise. I believe the results of this may have spawned the idea of the WWF.
Let’s talk treat bags. Either you are obtaining these vile things which pretty much cost you an arm and a leg and result in looking like a bag of junk or you are on the receiving end. If you are unfortunate and you encounter a like-wise birthday-passive-aggressive parent who fills this treat bag with all of the items that you have been trying to keep out of your household since the birth of your bundle of joy.
Warning: such items include play dough, paints, whistles, squirt guns etc. (most youths do not understand the boundaries of when and where squirt guns can be used and appropriate body areas to squirt).
So you think, “well I will never have such parties for my child” but listen now as I tell you that you will, if only for revenge for all those that you had to attend or to recoup some of the monies you have invested in gifts. You will also want to recycle some of the mass quantities of piñata candy acquired over the year and ‘pay-them-back’ with their own torturous shopping trip as they try to acquire ‘the gift’.
Then there is the parent guilt factor which your child will learn to manipulate at a very young age. The day after your child’s birthday party they will immediately begin planning for next year’s party. You will hear about it the entire year long from where it will be, what will be done, what gifts will be obtained and who they will invite.
Warning: your child will firmly believe that you must invite every single being that they have ever met in their lifetime and will ask you so in public in front of those not invited as to your reason for excluding them from the annual event.
You will find yourself unable to crush their tiny dreams and little heart and tell them that they cannot have thus party; especially since EVERY one of their friends seems to have had one all year and…how can such small children have so many friends anyway?
The cumulative effect of having to host multiple parties and attend bazillions of them begins to wear upon your brain, causing you to start to twitch slightly at just the mention of the ‘b’ word or upon receiving any small invitation envelope in the mail. You try to remember other children’s birthdays and attempt to fill those times with other activities just to avoid having to attend parties. Then one day when you receive the one-billionth invitation to a child’s birthday party, it happens. You simply snap and lose your mind.
As you sit there with your sweet, innocent little child I am sure you think that this is unlikely, but trust me, as a seven-year veteran of children’s birthday parties, I know. So do not say you were not warned.